Thursday, August 22, 2013
Whoa! Where have you been?
Well, hello! It's been a while and so much has happened since March of 2012! It will,of course take time to fill in the gap, but I'll try my best.
First of all, Marvel doesn't live with us anymore. He moved in with his biological brother in early June of this year. We still talk, and we still care about him very much, but it was time for him to have some "tough love". He has been through so much in his short life, and we were trying our best to help him to heal and move on to a new way of thinking, living, and experiencing life, but, as they say, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. We made rules, not too strict, in fact we bent a lot of our family rules to accommodate for the fact that having a family was new to him and he needed a bit more space and freedom than we thought was best for him. We set expectations, which he agreed with, but still couldn't or wouldn't meet. The last year or so had been a very stressful time for us, as we began to truly see who Marvel really was. Many of the issues we had learned about in our MAPP class, or read about in books, but since we had to figure out that he had these issues on our own, and no one told us anything about them before hand, it took a while before we knew what was going on and how to handle it. A lot of things we would rationalize with "it's because he was in foster care for so long", or " he never had a family before", although those things are true, it was MUCH deeper than that. We tried every thing we could think of, and nothing worked. There was a huge safety concern for both Kevin and I and the other kids. We were so distraught. We didn't want to "abandon" him, but it was clear he couldn't stay with us anymore, nor do i think he wanted to. I do think he cares about us, as much as he can, and we are still here for him for anything that he needs, he just can't live here anymore. We are hoping that this is a wake up call for him and he will want to change some things, but we came to realize that we did everything we could for him and we couldn't make him make the right choices. We think as he matures some he will start to understand what we were trying to do for him and might start to listen to us and try to change for himself, not us. We do love him and really want the best for him. We never thought that adopting a child could be so hard, and we never understood before how hard it is to love someone who can't love back. He can't. Not won't, can't. It's so sad, but we will be here as long as he wants us. I'll share some more details over the next several blogs.
But, today I am having a really hard time. The kids went back to school 2 days ago. Kevin was home with me for the past week, but went back to work today. Bailey just started high school. New school, new kids, a lot more kids, tough classes- all honors, riding the bus. Big girl stuff. She is having a hard time. She said to me this morning that she misses us, she "doesn't like being away from the family for so long". I don't like it either. I miss them like crazy! Our family is so close and we really enjoy each other, so it is so hard to all of a sudden be apart for up to 9 hours. My mommy instinct wants to yank them all out and keep them home to homeschool them, but I know they need this to build independence and strengthen their decision making abilities, and just experience life, besides they wouldn't learn much if I was their teacher! Our family is so different from most of the world, so I think it's better that they get small tastes of what it's really like out there, so we can coach them through it, rather than just booting them off to college and have them drown on their own. Kody is having a hard time, too. He is my baby, in 1st grade, and he did not want to get out of the car today. He did this last year, when there was a break or long weekend, he would cry and fuss about going to school. I know, I know, this too shall pass, but I am just sad and lonely today! I think I need a hobby or a part time job.
I always thought I would love it when all of my kids were in school, that I would have "me" time galore, but I don't love it and I have too much "me" time! Oh well, not much I can do- kids grow up- but I just wish it didn't happen so fast!