Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Casting Away

So yeah, I changed the blog up a little. If you know me, you'll know I love change-so it was time.
No news on the adoption front.....sorry to say, but I'll let you know as I find out.
I'm writing cause I feel like there is something the Lord wanted me to share with you. I've been listening to a sermon series called Cast Away. It's a reminder of how, with God, we can cast away all of our burdens. He gave us His son to carry those burdens for us, so we don't need to hold on to them anymore. But, as the years go by, we sometimes either forget to give things to God, or we feel like we can handle them ourselves and we become burdened once again. In fact, it's a contious cycle.......we end up with things that burden us....guilt, fear, shame, anger, resentment, our past mistakes, our failures, and we sometimes let them pile up and that weighs us down and keeps us separated from God. But then we "have a moment" are able to give them to God and we are free again, for a while-till we get burdened again. It would be great if I could give my burdens to God the moment I notice them-but I don't know, I forget or something. And I guess because I have so many responsibilities here, I feel like I should be able to handle these things on my own. But really the opposite is true, because I have so many responsibilities don't I need someone to look out for me? You betcha-big time! So the Lord revealed a burden to me that I didn't really realize I've carried for 15 years now, and I think He wants me to share, as a way to help me heal I guess. So......
When I was 19, and newly engaged to the love of my life, after a missed period and a pregnancy test, I found out I was pregnant. I was surprised, but not really, I do know how that happens and Kevin and I were intimate before marriage. I wasn't sure what to do, but I remember I wasn't freaking out. Well, I was advised by someone close to me, who loved and cared about me, that an abortion would be the best thing. The reasoning was, that I was so young and had my whole life ahead of me, and a child would "mess that up".
That seemed logical to me and I trusted this person to give me good advice, so I made an appointment. Kevin was wonderful, he just told me to do whatever I thought was best, and he took a day off of work and took me to the clinic. I was unsure that this was the right thing to do, but no one close to me seemed to think it was wrong so I proceeded to the clinic. We signed in, got a stack of stuff to read over about the procedure and recovery, and found a seat in the very crowded waiting area. I looked around just to see what kinds of other people were going through this too, and there were couples, girls with their parents, girls with what looked like their friends. No one seemed sad, unsure, or scared....they just sat having conversations. I saw a couple of girls come out of where I assumed they did the procedure and they looked ok too. So I thought, this must be ok, everyone else is ok. Well I started to read these papers describing the procedure, with details of what they would be doing and I started getting dizzy. I just thought I was getting a little nervous, that was normal. I continued reading and began realizing this was a life inside of me, not something to just remove and discard like trash. I began feeling nauseous and began to wonder, what do they do with these babies that they are killing? The thought of a bunch of tiny, bloody babies in a garbage can was too much. I told Kevin I had to get out of there and literally ran out. I told him I couldn't do that, we would just have to figure out what to do, but I wasn't killing this baby. He called his mother, who really helped me feel better, and feel like I was doing the right thing by leaving. And we left. A few weeks later I miscarried, probably from the stress, and was just terrified. I went to an OB/GYN for the first time and was told I would be fine. And I guess I was. But what the Lord showed me is that all of these years I have felt guilt and shame over wanting to kill that baby. I think I felt that somehow I miscarried because the baby knew and God knew that I didn't want that baby. I think abortion is a horrible tragedy, for babies, moms, and for the God who created them both. If I felt so horribly because I came close to getting an abortion, how do those women and girls feel who actually go through with it? I can't imagine! So this is me letting go of that guilt, shame, and pride that kept this burden so close to me. I am giving the whole situation to the God who creates life and takes it away. I know He was with me the entire time, and that the Holy Spirit is what made me leave that clinic. I realize the entire situation was a consequence of my sin, intimacy before marriage. I knew it was wrong, but to be honest in my family there was this unspoken rule......if you don't talk about it it didn't happen or will go away. Thank the Lord I have learned that is not true! Kevin and I are constantly talking with our kids about all kinds of difficult situations, so that they don't have to figure out what is right if they find themselves in an awful situation. I had no idea what an abortion was until I saw "Dirty Dancing", and although I didn't understand completely, I knew then it was not a good thing. I am so thankful there are wonderful places like LifeCare of Brandon, to help guide young women, and hopefully prevent them from going through what I went through. Thanks for reading and being a part of my healing, I pray that you can give your burdens up too. There is a great song by Dara Maclean called "Suitcases" that has encouraged me, and I'm sure it will encourage you too......


1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing your experience. Those guilty feelings have a way of sneaking up on us or dragging us down so easily. I too have a habit of giving to the Lord and then taking them back- bit of a control freak!
    Guilt over not being a great mom all the time, or letting my anger get the best of me......can really put a dark shade over my relationship with the Lord. So glad HE willingly takes things from us so we can be FREE!!! Love the sermon series!!!